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I’m not giving him up without a fight.

He didn’t want to die.

I can think of no greater honor than to live as deeply as possible, for I have the only thing he wanted more of … life.

Surviving something like losing your husband, makes people start watching what you’re up to very closely. When you’re sad they tell you to smile. If you’re too happy too quickly, they wonder why you’re happy.

The one thing that they will say about living, is “you have no choice”. Well, isn’t that the furthest bullshit from the truth ever spoken? I have a choice and getting up and living my life is not the easier of the two options you’re handed. This is a battle that I am proudly conquering, but it is not easy.

I tend to err on the fighty side when I’m faced with adversity and thankfully for this, I didn’t crawl into my room and hide. I got angry and decided I’m not giving him up without a fight. I can’t get him back, but I can fight for my life to live as hard as possible. I will pay attention to every moment. I will love the people I love, hard. I will not take a second for granted. We lived our lives this way before, and I will not stop now.

You can be happy and sad at the same time. I have learned this. I think it’s probably most similar to wanting to eat and feeling like you’re going to throw up at the same time. Wrap your head around that one. No, I can’t either, but that’s what it is.

So that’s what I will continue to do.

He didn’t want to die.

I will honor him with life.

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